The last few weeks I have the strangest sensation...almost like the feeling you might get when you sense someone is watching you. It's an internal nudge, like my heart is feeling a ripple from across the world. Maybe it's adoptive contractions. I don't know that we'll see her anytime soon, but I have the feeling that our fate has been sealed, that we've been matched with whomever has been chosen to be our daughter. I can see a tiny picture attached to our file, already connected to us.
The problem is, this has been such a long bumpy road for us and we've been derailed so many times, it's hard to embrace this feeling. You keep guarding your heart for fear of another road block. I've had to continually remind myself about being adaptive to change, being a leaf on the river who goes wherever the current goes, and that the current cannot be changed. Most of the time it works, but sometimes has resulted in some pretty unproductive internal dialog: i am a leaf on a river. i will go with the flow. my worries will not change the current or outcome. i am a leaf on a river. i am a leaf on a...god#$%& leaf!! i don't want to be a $%!$ leaf! and $%^ this river too, i mean where is the #$^&*ing current going to?!
Like I said...sometimes it works, sometimes not so much.
We had to update our homestudy, again. This time for USCIS (for anyone who cares/doesn't know...this is the branch of Homeland Security that handles immigration and stands for United States Citizenship and Immigration Services), because they want the homestudy to be current within 6 months of your Immigration application. It was painless, our social worker took pity on us and basically did an addendum sheet that had a new date and stated there were no other changes; we still weren't criminals, we still went to work at the same place, and still weighed the same amount. Actually we both lost a few pounds since the last update, but..I digress. Korea doesn't care about this date, our agency in Michigan doesn't care about this, and our homestudy agency in Ohio could give a rat's arse about this, it is all the US government. But either way it's done. Homestudy update, $50. Cost of it being painless, priceless.
So...while we were at the homestudy update point, I called our agency (just this morning) to check in and let them know we were doing an update, and if we were going to do a gender change now would be a fantastic time to do it, since we were already doing the date update for USCIS. It was the FIRST time I ever got an optimistic, positive response regarding our status from them! Well other than the day we agreed to sign on with them and give them boatloads of money...But she actually said the words, you are in a very good place considering the situation in Korea. You are very near the top of the list! They advised us to sit tight and not make any gender changes.
This news along with my undeniable spidey sense, makes me feel pretty good and that this might actually happen in the not too distant future! For now I will embrace it. I will still be the leaf, but maybe one who just drifts off to the river bank and basks in the goodness of the sun for a while!