Monday, July 11, 2011

Time Is An Illusion

The last two weeks have been a flurry of activity: July 3rd, 2 parties, 4th of July; the parade, party, fireworks, cocktails, fun! Cedar Point two days later; fun, hot, long day! Birthday preparations, planning, shopping. Bek's birthday two days later; the bittersweet-ness (my baby is 8!), a quiet get together with his grandma and upa. The next day his party; the excitement, the presents, the chaos, the Transformers movie (a noisy chaotic mess itself)...wedge in there the normal everyday stuff like work, taekwondo, our ailing cat etc and it's been a recipe for overload.
Today Brad is back to work after a week's vacation and Bek is still sleeping and I finally feel some return to normalcy and have some quiet time to myself to pontificate...aaahhh!
I feel like these milestone dates nudged us that much closer. But closer to what? The end of summer, which gets us closer to the fall, which in turn makes it almost winter at which point we MIGHT be matched with our child?? It's a terrible thing to be constantly willing time to move forward, but on some level, it's what I've been doing. I've made a conscious effort to stay present, and just enjoy summer and Bek and family and friends..and I have been. But I cannot deny the quiet ticking in the back of my head, like a giant metronome that is clicking away the calendar days.
The chase and The Wait and the red tape has become such a part of this process, that the end result, our daughter, has become some sort of elusive slippery hard to grasp concept. I see faint glimmers of her every now and again, and feel her growing in a vague distant way, but the long wait has made it cloudy and hard to see her. She's too far off in the distance, just a tiny dot on the horizon.
I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on the prize so to speak, no matter how far away she is; and to remember that after all the waiting, we will have a child! And that end, really just marks the beginning.
Time is funny like that. It's expediency or it's sluggishness is all in our perception. The same number of hours are in every single day, the number of days in every week and month are the same for every person; but ask a parent how time flies by when you are raising a child, then ask a waiting adoptive parent how time is moving for them! Those same amount of hours/days/weeks/months become something entirely different.
For me, I am stuck somewhere between both worlds, some rubber band time space continuum where time stretches and bows; like my 80's tape player, whirring frantically one minute then warbling slowly to a near stop the next. 
All this thinking about time made me think about all the songs devoted to the topic and how it's a universally mystical concept:
Time is On My Side - Rolling Stones, Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper, Time - Pink Floyd, Turn (is that the name of that song?) - The any good ones? 
On the wall of our old (sniff sniff) summer beach cottage on Pelee Island there was a yellowing plaque on the wall with my favorite verse about time: 
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love; Time Is Eternity.