Tuesday, March 8, 2011

There is no reality

News! News!
Ok, not really, sorry.
But I guess it's something. I got word last week that we will be in the NEXT batch of families to be processed and have our paperwork sent to Korea!! This is the good news. The bad news?
We don't know when this will be.
It could be a few weeks or a few months.
I was SO crushed when I read this email...I really thought when I saw her email address pop up in my inbox that THIS was it, this was gonna be the week we'd hear the lyrical magical words, “your paperwork has been sent to Korea”.
Instead I got a dry, factual message stating, well, you know, what I already told you...don't make me repeat it.
I had a mini, ok who am I kidding, a full on tantrum right there and then.
That's it! I quit!! Get me off of this flipping roller coaster so I can move on with my life already! Stupid bureaucracy..ridiculous that it takes this much time...do they realize how long we've been at this??...do they know i'm already half insane from premature menopause and that I have a freaking nodule on my thyroid and have to have the whole thing taken out??..never mind that it may or may not be malignant...how can they expect people to just keep hanging on...our paperwork will expire by the time it actually gets sent!...i can't take it!!!
On and on my mind went, for a good couple of hours at least. I thought about not only how long this process seems to be taking (submitted preapp last May, that's 9 months in case your math is not too good), but how long we've been at child #2 in general! If I count all the false starts, going back to China and Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan and Russia...? Seriously, it's been FIVE years! Ugh that thought even makes me sick. I can't decide if I'm blind and dumb and can't see what the Universe is trying to tell me or If I'm dedicated and tenacious and not willing to give up for what I want?
Then I took some breaths and went on with my day. Tried to put it out of my mind. Pulled up my big girl panties.
Then I focused on the OTHER part of her email, the part that said we were in the NEXT batch of families to be processed. That is a definite statement. That means the next time I hear from her it will be (barring any catastrophic changes in the process) to let us know our paperwork, has in fact, gone to Korea. The passage of time will go on either way, whether we dropped out of this adoption or not (and let's face it I wouldn't, couldn't really do that anyway and was just being a ridiculous drama queen), and how stupid would that be after we've come this far.
I also thought about the mental tantrum I had just after reading her email. I DO have a lot of other issues going on right now, that are not really conducive to having a new small human in the house and may not for some time.
The crazy amazing part about the adoption process is that it really does seem to play out in some divine way. Some magical dust that is sprinkled on these worker bees of bureaucracy - and I mean that in the best of ways - that tells them When and How Fast or Slow precisely for each family.
What I've chosen to focus on, the reality that I am choosing to perceive, is that our paperwork Will be going to Korea not only soon but exactly when it should!
Ok, yeah so maybe I'm spinning it, i'm searching for it, and making it fit. It's either half full or half empty and we all know which is a better way to live your days. Perception is reality.


Kelly said...

Hey Jen! Thanks for posting your blog on our fb group. I am your newest follower and am excited to follow your journey, while on ours!!

Amy and Corey said...

My vote is with "dedicated, tenacious and not giving up".

Remember when I had my meltdown, and almost gave up on the Russian program? I know what you are thinking right now, "which meltdown is she referring to?" Don't be a smartass! Glad I didn't because I go get my son in 1week. 1 week!!!