Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Land of the Living

Well, I survived my thyroid surgery and am slowly rejoining the land of the living. I still have quite a bit of ouchies at the incision (a lovely 3 inch slash on my neck) and swallowing and talking is still uncomfortable, but I am over the worst and turning the corner. I had it done last Tuesday the 15th (a day that will permanently be etched in my memory, the day we got Bek's referral information!). They removed the nodule and the entire thyroid gland, which was apparently quite enlarged and did not seem to want to leave my body, but the good doctor got it after 4 hours of surgery. After a few days of being in a daze on a pain killer bender - dilaudin, morphine, percocet - I had a strange little sadness about it being gone. Not that I would miss the pain it was causing me, but that a part of my body that had always been with me was now gone! I mean I'm not saying I lost sleep over this or had a grieving ceremony, just a strange little tinge that something that once was no longer is. I had the same little poke of sadness when I had my fallopian tubes removed. 
I don't really like doctors and try to avoid them as much as possible, but having something like this done makes you appreciative of our medical advances and technology. That they can safely remove consciousness and pain for that amount of time, cut you open, take something out, sew you back up and send you home the next day with a plastic mug and some ugly brown slipper socks to boot...is pretty amazing. 
Also amazing is the kindness of people! Brad pretty much took on all my regular duties of shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, Bek administering, of course on top of his regular job. He and Bek took complete care of me...my only wish was that I wasn't in so much pain that I could enjoy it more! Family and friends came out in force to help get Bek to/from school, bring food, flowers, cards and support. It was really heart warming and I was, AM, so so thankful. 
BUT I am glad it is behind me so that I can get back to our regularly scheduled programming...and by that I mean enduring this God Forsaken Wait!! It did take my mind off of it for a bit anyways...you know, for like 5 days at least. 
Here's my current thoughts on how things will go down:
HSTK (home study to Korea) by end of April at the latest. This milestone is crucial because it starts the real, official Wait for Referral clock. It could go sooner but I'm being conservative so as to not be crushed if it takes longer. Matched/Referral between October and January of this year. Travel to Seoul to get baby Eva between January-February of next year
This of course is just my own projection; the agency can tell you nothing so it's all just one big crap shoot anyway. The holidays could mess things up too. 
At this point I'm consoling myself by saying we are MORE THAN half way there. We have MORE THAN the wait behind us than ahead of us. In LESS THAN one year we will have our baby girl that we have waited years (and years) for. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

There is no reality

News! News!
Ok, not really, sorry.
But I guess it's something. I got word last week that we will be in the NEXT batch of families to be processed and have our paperwork sent to Korea!! This is the good news. The bad news?
We don't know when this will be.
It could be a few weeks or a few months.
I was SO crushed when I read this email...I really thought when I saw her email address pop up in my inbox that THIS was it, this was gonna be the week we'd hear the lyrical magical words, “your paperwork has been sent to Korea”.
Instead I got a dry, factual message stating, well, you know, what I already told you...don't make me repeat it.
I had a mini, ok who am I kidding, a full on tantrum right there and then.
That's it! I quit!! Get me off of this flipping roller coaster so I can move on with my life already! Stupid bureaucracy..ridiculous that it takes this much time...do they realize how long we've been at this??...do they know i'm already half insane from premature menopause and that I have a freaking nodule on my thyroid and have to have the whole thing taken out??..never mind that it may or may not be malignant...how can they expect people to just keep hanging on...our paperwork will expire by the time it actually gets sent!...i can't take it!!!
On and on my mind went, for a good couple of hours at least. I thought about not only how long this process seems to be taking (submitted preapp last May, that's 9 months in case your math is not too good), but how long we've been at child #2 in general! If I count all the false starts, going back to China and Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan and Russia...? Seriously, it's been FIVE years! Ugh that thought even makes me sick. I can't decide if I'm blind and dumb and can't see what the Universe is trying to tell me or If I'm dedicated and tenacious and not willing to give up for what I want?
Then I took some breaths and went on with my day. Tried to put it out of my mind. Pulled up my big girl panties.
Then I focused on the OTHER part of her email, the part that said we were in the NEXT batch of families to be processed. That is a definite statement. That means the next time I hear from her it will be (barring any catastrophic changes in the process) to let us know our paperwork, has in fact, gone to Korea. The passage of time will go on either way, whether we dropped out of this adoption or not (and let's face it I wouldn't, couldn't really do that anyway and was just being a ridiculous drama queen), and how stupid would that be after we've come this far.
I also thought about the mental tantrum I had just after reading her email. I DO have a lot of other issues going on right now, that are not really conducive to having a new small human in the house and may not for some time.
The crazy amazing part about the adoption process is that it really does seem to play out in some divine way. Some magical dust that is sprinkled on these worker bees of bureaucracy - and I mean that in the best of ways - that tells them When and How Fast or Slow precisely for each family.
What I've chosen to focus on, the reality that I am choosing to perceive, is that our paperwork Will be going to Korea not only soon but exactly when it should!
Ok, yeah so maybe I'm spinning it, i'm searching for it, and making it fit. It's either half full or half empty and we all know which is a better way to live your days. Perception is reality.