I'm trying to decide how long is too long. If, IF this goes on to another year and a half, or god forbid longer; are we ok with that? AM I ok with that? And if I'm not ok, then why?
It is difficult to stay committed when it is so far off. It doesn't feel real, there's no heartbeat, no ultrasound picture to hang on the fridge to prove she is there. All I have is faith and it easily falters.
A stoic notice from Citizen and Immigration is all I have to prove that some wheels, some where, are in motion; that God and the Universe or at the very least our United States Government, has a soul intended to be our daughter. How happy I was to get this measly piece of paper in the mail, how I carry it around to remind me that YES, something is happening.
I know that time flies by amazingly extraordinarily fast. It's mind blowing actually, to think the holidays have come and gone and the little numbers in the lower right hand of my screen are reading 1/4/2011. 2011!! For Godsakes, we brought Bek home in 2004, and that went by in the blink of an eye.
Although I have to say I made a conscious effort to really BE there, be present, with him. I am grateful for the time I had with him and cherish those early days. But it still blew by like a summer breeze...sweet, but didn't last nearly long enough.
When the adoption process became real, and official, my sense of presence shifted; I began to think in future terms; which is near impossible NOT to do. When you are filling out piles and piles of paperwork and having your home inspected for the safety of said Future Child, it is hard to not envision her, to look at your existing child and think of how things will change when the next arrives.
But I need to continue to do that, stay present, in this moment, with Bek, with Brad, with our family in the here and now.
Time will march on relentlessly either way. I will be 42. Brad will turn 41. Bek will be 8, going on 9 (gasp!), and that time will elapse either way, whether waiting for her or not.
I simply need to redirect some energy, reshape my expectations. I need to not look at it as hanging in limbo, not as some familial future state that we will someday be.
We are here now.
I will focus on the wise words of Oogway in Kung Fu Panda (altho i'm pretty sure they were not his original words):
“Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it is called The Present."