Thursday, December 23, 2010

Just what I wanted this Christmas!

 A longer wait!! Really, you shouldn't have. No, I mean, you Really. Shouldn't. Have.
I'm not sure if the sarcasm is coming across in the written word? Are you picking it up ok?
On Monday, 4 days before Christmas Eve '10, we got a letter from our agency stating that there would be an additional wait for paperwork to be sent to Korea, up to 4-6 months. Additionally, referrals are up to 9 months wait. The short version is that we're now looking at a year to a year and a half from now to bring our baby girl home. We had been thinking summer of 2011, and it's now looking like winter of 2011 or spring/summer of 2012.
And oh, there's a fee increase.
Merrrrrryyy Christmas!!!
I'd been hearing a buzz  about this on the yahoo boards, so it wasn't a total surprise, but it still stung to see it there in print.
I was devastated. Angry. Annoyed. I let it all percolate for a few days. I think it's important to feel emotions in some organic way. Sadness and disappointment exist; better to let them bloom, combust, then sweep the dust away for a tidier more content existence.
Then I began forming mental lists, because lists make me feel organized and like there's order to the universe, which I badly needed to believe at this point. An attempt to find a silver lining of any sort: 
At least we have Bek. If this were our first adoption it would be much more devastating. If the whole thing (God Forbid) fell apart, We Have Bek, the greatest kid we could ever hope for.
What's another 6(ish) months at this point?
We'll have more time to save more money.
We'll have more time to finish bathroom/other house renovations.
A year and a half is still quicker than many of the other country programs and it's certainly the minimum "new norm" in international adoptions. China is at 6-7 years!
Int'l adoptions are NOT easy and bumps in the road are part of the process. Country closings, bureaucratic BS,  paperwork and policy changes, travel issues, political scares, societal climate changes...it's ALL part of the process and I really should have expected it.
 We are lucky to be adopting at all, let alone complaining about a longer wait. Requirements are strict and it's very expensive. Be thankful we are in this spot at all.
We may get in and out in the nick of time, as they are projected to close all together in 2012. 
And as a good friend reminded me, 6 extra months is nothing compared to the lifetime you will have your baby for after the Godforsaken Waiting Time!
Yes, it feels as if we've been at this forever, (quite literally YEARS of waiting for a second child and many different country changes!), yes it is disappointing. But wallowing in it does not change the outcome, it only breeds negative energy.
Focusing on what we have, being grateful for being "in line" at all, and going with the flow is the only way to get through this! Besides, it is Christmas, and I can't let something that is out of my control dictate how holly or jolly I am. How we react to our own situation, what our perception is, is what does.
Merry Christmas Everyone!

Monday, December 6, 2010

One Day At A Time...

I joked to a fellow Adoptive Mom In Waiting who has become a dear friend, that I often rely on the AA saying "One Day At A Time" to get through this God Forsaken Wait. The joke being that we actually need the alcohol to get through it! Some days it is so difficult I want to scream and kick and have a full blown tantrum. Today is one of those days. I know that I had these days waiting for Bek, and I know we got through them and that day when we met him eventually came. I know all this to be true, but it still sucks.
Many days you can busy yourself so that it's not in your head every single minute of every hour of every day. Some days though, it's there, needling and nudging at your heart, it's physically palpable, the longing for the Wait to be over.
I also know that once she gets here I may long for these quite mornings with the house to myself! Making my own schedule, perusing recipes and facebooking while the laundry twirls. I can have complete silence or I can listen to NPR or Pandora. I can meander the aisles at Target, whatever. But...as nice as it is, I MISS the t.v. tuned to Sesame Street, I MISS waking up to a smiley snugly baby and spending my mornings at storytime. Of course we know this is one of the great ironies and paradoxes of life...we often want what we don't have!

There's no real rhyme or reason to this post...just needed to vent a bit. It's part of the reason I haven't been posting much, because blogging about baby just reminds me that there's no baby yet and baby, I really don't need any reminders.