Wednesday, October 6, 2010

wAiTiNg... WaDiNg...wAy DiNg: a short quick essay on patience

Oh How Tired I Am of Waiting! You'd think I'd be good at it, I've done it so much. When I look back on the amount of time that has been spent waiting for a child it is astonishing! Going back to the infertility days: waiting for cycle, waiting for enough money in bank account, waiting for test results, for follicle stimulation, egg retrieval, transfer, then for the crucial two weeks, wait for the disappointment to pass, for another round of savings, for more meds, for your next appointment. Then when it doesn't work you WAIT for things to settle, you Wait and see, you wait and think about things. Enter Adoption. What a great feeling! Light at the end of the tunnel! Why didn't we do this sooner, what were we waiting for? Do adoption research, but just hold on and WAIT a minute, you don't want to make any rash decisions. Read, talk, research, read some more, ticktickticktick. Vietnam, China, closed due to SARS outbreak. Would you like to sign on and go on our Waiting list, and wait for them to re-open? No, no more waiting, must move on! Epiphany - Kazakhstan! It is the Right One, I can just feel it. Call agency, wait for application. Fill out application, wait for response. Accepted! Contact home study agency, wait for response, wait for home study visit, wait for doctor's appointments, background check appointments, for paperwork to return from various state/government agencies, for social workers, for endless piles of forms and signatures and certificates . Paperwork complete, hurray! Submit paperwork, WAIT for referral, one of the hardest waits ever!! Until of course that amazing life altering day you actually get that referral, and find out you have to WAIT to travel to go get your baby!! He is now a real living 8-month old baby boy, there is a photo and a name attached to the ever growing mass of love that is your heart. To know he is there, waiting too, is excruciating. Is he being fed enough? Does someone come to him in the night when he cries? Does he drool, giggle, crawl? I can't Wait you find yourself thinking. You pass this time with important preparations, this helps, this nesting, gathering of supplies; safety precautions are made, outlets are plugged up, the nursery is completed, car seats are installed. A couple of weekend trips for distraction, the last you'll take before the new one arrives. But time still drags and The Wait continues. Finally the day comes, The Call you've been waiting for that tells you when you need to be on the other side of the world to get your child! It is a final frantic blur of preparing, packing, ticket buying and loose-end tying. The waits associated with this part of the process are much more endurable and enjoyable, the wait to board your plane, the wait on the flight itself, the long drive to the babyhouse for the first meeting. When at last the moment comes, and you are bleary eyed and jet lagged and out of sorts in a strange country, when ALL of the waiting has led up to this moment and he is put into your arms...his soft warmth and big blinking eyes staring up at you; it all just washes away. It doesn't matter. You were worth the wait. 
I had to remind myself of all of this, to remember that there is a beautiful ending to this story, which really is just the beginning of the story. I have been WAITING for our social worker to finish our homestudy and waiting for our placement agency to approve it so that it can get sent to Korea already. I'll remind you that we had our homestudy visit in August, over 6 weeks ago. Some final edits have been made and it looks like it will finally go to our agency this weekend. I called our agency, to give them this news, and inquired, when did they think it will go to Korea? Next week maybe? Oh you'll be PUT ON THE WAITING LIST. This after waiting all summer for official approval for them and for waiting for this and for that and I am SO SICK OF WAITING!! They couldn't really tell me how long this wait would be either. A month, a few months, who knows? Referrals are coming slowly they said, there's just no real way of knowing. Sigh. There's a happy ending here, I know there is. And we certainly have enough to do to keep us busy, the bathroom re-do and her room and I guess I could reorganize closets or work more or take up paper mache projects or something?? One day we'll be in Korea meeting our daughter and this will all be a distant memory. One day it will happen. Until then, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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