Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. ~Mark Twain

So I just finished two great beach books, although I did not read them at the beach and find that to be annoying. I can never get comfortable and there's the whole skin damage thing, sand going everywhere, argh. But I digress...if you need to mentally check out for a while, check these out:
Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby http://amzn.com/1594488878
If you liked Nick Hornby's High Fidelity you will love Juliet, Naked. He really gets back to his musical roots. It's funny, sweet, engaging and hard to put down, but not impossible (so that you completely avoid reality, responsibilities, etc - a bad habit i have when reading books).
Blood Oath by Christopher Farnsworth http://amzn.com/0399156356
I got this at the library after reading about it on one of NPR's book feeds. Had I not read about it on NPR and just saw the cover at the bookstore I'm not sure I would've read it. But you know the thing about books and covers and all. The subtitle reads "The Ultimate Secret. The Ultimate Agent. The President's Vampire". Now I like a good vampire story as much as the next Team Edward gurl but the president's vampire, really? Even though parts were predictable and even laughable, I couldn't put it down. Mash up Supernatural, True Blood, 24 and the X-Files and there you have it!
And that concludes today's book reviews!

Fingerprint Renewal, check.

Well we can check that off the list, over, done with, uneventful.
Our appointment was at 8am. I got up at 6:30. A.M. I haven't been up that early since Bek was a baby. I schlepped down the stairs with my joints aching, eyes still half closed in an effort to block the light from burning my retinas, hands flailing towards the coffee pot like a B movie zombie. Then I realized...Dear God, sometime in the not so distant future I will be getting up that early with a baby again!
Maybe we'll get a sleeper? Maybe I'll suddenly enjoy the wondrous peaceful time that some refer to as the butt crack of dawn, waking chipper and singing a happy working song while making my bed??
I'm betting on none of the above. But I'm also guessing that after the painful initial shock of middle of the night and early morning risings that my internal clock will readjust to Baby Mama Time. Right? It will, right??
I have many memories of hearing that cry in the middle of the night, my ears trained like military grade radar, twitching at the slightest chirp. First whimper, give it a minute, see if it passes, maybe he was just dreaming, babbling in his sleep. Please, let it be a dream, let it stop, pulling the toasty covers back up over my shoulders! Waaaaahhh. Crap it was not a dream! And once I dragged myself to his crib, and scooped up his warm solid little body into my arms, we'd settle into the glider. I'd sing and we'd rock, and he'd rest his head on my chest, sometimes look up at me and whisper "mamma" in his deep raspy baby voice. He'd clutch onto my shirt or touch my face; sometimes I fell asleep with him...and those middle of the night moments were some of my favorites of motherhood.
I will choose to remember those moments. I will acknowledge that the too early really unpleasant 5am wakings exist, but I will not dwell on them. And...at least I know they are coming this time!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Fingerprints, Redux

So tomorrow we get to go downtown to redo, or actually renew, our fingerprints. Another trip to Homeland Security! To the sterile white square room with the American flags in the corner. We'll check in with the pleasant balding man at the desk behind the sliding glass door and hand him our very official I-797C forms. We'll wait, fidgeting with Bek, while a small wall mounted t.v. burbles out the morning news. They'll eventually call our names, and we'll be taken back to have each one of our digits bio metrically scanned. And that will be that.
In simpler terms, this will let the Government know that we haven't done anything illegal in the last 18 months, and therefor are still able to parent a child.
As bland and insignificant as this seems, it is really what I need! I have been very afraid to get fully vested in this process. Even though my body is going through the steps, my heart is afraid that once again something will happen, shut down, the sky will fall, we'll have to back out again. I'm like Charlie Brown with Lucy pulling the ball out from under him. I'm the jilted lover who's been dumped one too many times. I'm the...ok, you get the idea. I'm afraid to get attached to this little paper baby. It's my heart and mind's protection process of course, to shield me from anymore pain. Quite amazing, really.
But nothing makes the pending adoption of a child feel more real than a required visit to a government building. To have a certified form sanctioned by the United States of America, Department of Homeland Security to carry in your possession, which allows this formal and legitimate process to take place. What could be more real than that??

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

this just in

I just heard from our placement agency that our preapplication and financial statment has been approved!! Do you know what this means?! Well...it means we are put on an official Wait List that will allow us to receive a Formal Application in about 3 months. Wat Waaaaaaah.
I know, a bit anticlimactic, huh?
But, it's something.

waaah boo yaye

Yesterday was Bek's last day of school! My one and only baby boy is no longer a first grader. I was pretty emotional but restrained myself from having a full on blubbering fit. A friend and fellow first grade mom and myself took the boys to Burger King after school for some fries and Icees. The boys had fun, and junk food is always a good salve for me!
In first grade, they are still little boys, you know? They still snuggle with you and say the silliest things and still have some snips and snails left in them. 2nd grade, well that's just on to skull tattoos and slammed bedroom doors. Ok maybe not quite, but it's not far off in my mind!
And Bek has come sooo far! He could barely read at the beginning of the year and now reads on his own. His inability to control his emotions has gone from a common everyday thing to more and more isolated incidents. The push and pull of the heart that motherhood brings never ceases to amaze me. You want them to grow, to learn, to experience..and yet you want freeze them and selfishly keep them "yours" forever!
Maybe part of the reason I was able to restrain myself, was knowing that the cogs and wheels of fate are slowly turning; somewhere off the Pacific Ocean, a warm breeze blows. A woman or a young girl is pregnant or about to be. She will make a very difficult decision that will allow us to become parents again. She will birth a child that will become our child who we will love (and have already started loving!) with all our hearts.
Knowing this made Bek's last day of first grade easier. I don't know if that right or wrong or neither, but it's true! The thought of the second one was like a soothing balm on my heart. It's that push-pull thing again, motherhood is both selfish and selfless.
On Monday we also got our appointment letters from Homeland Security to have our fingerprints re-done for Citizenship and Immigration! Each of these steps always means progress, and that means one step closer!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

So You Think You Can Adopt?

Cue music: "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs....
Coming soon, a new reality show that showcases the rollercoaster ride of international adoption!

Voice-over by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie:
Tune in to see riveting edge of your seat drama as countries open and close, families pushed to the brink of emotional and financial meltdown, witness the heartwarming joy as families travel to their children's birth country to complete their family!

Cue promo clips: mom buried knee deep in paperwork shouting "i just can't do anymore paperwork!!", dad getting beeped by the censors as he waves around the bank statement as couple nearly throws int he towel due to finances, silly fun as couple paints the nursery complete with touching moment as they hang a piece of artwork that represents their child's birth country, finally the climax episode clip where family gets The Call and an email with their child's photo, this episode ends in a cliffhanger as the family prepares to travel; funny but tense moment as family is harassed by Immigration at airport; father is pantomiming rocking a baby and mom is thumbing thru mini dictionary, shot of family eating local food such as horse meat, shots of vodka, anything raw, smelly or otherwise disturbing to Americans, of course amazing and interesting scenic shots in country. finally the episode we're all waiting for, the tearful joyous moment when mom and dad finally meet their baby!
Cue music: "At Last" by Etta James"

C'mon, can't you see this?? I'm thinking I'll pitch it to Oprah or Ellen. Think of the guest star possibilites! Madonna, Sandra Bullock, Ewan McGregor, Branjolina, That girl from Grey's Anatomy...and ME of course as writer/director!!

disclaimer: by reading this post you have automatically and unwillingly agreed to a Confidentiality and Non Compete contract.